That crazy little thing called Love

That crazy little thing called love

 

 

 

Every popular song is about it, half our books and films obsess over it, everybody wants it. But when we come to ask what love is, we are overwhelmed by a myriad different ideas and experiences. On the one hand, love can lift us up; on the other, it can destroy us. The problem is further compounded because we generally also feel tremendous love for our mothers, our children, our friends - even chocolate. Or maybe especially chocolate. How can one little word cover so many different nuances of feeling? More importantly, if love means different things to different people, how can we ever effectively communicate it?

Scientists have been trying to define love according to their frame of reference for a very long time. The pioneering sexologist Havelock Ellis provided a famous but entirely incorrect mathematical formula: love equals a physical relationship plus friendship. Freud dismissed romantic love as the sex urge, blocked. Social biologists have scanned our brains and identified three chemicals— dopamine, phenyl ethylamine and oxytocin — which they claim attract us exclusively to our mates for long enough, in their opinion, to conceive and give the offspring a secure start.

All of this is mildly diverting, but of no use when someone looks into your eyes and tells you that they love you.

Dictionaries are not much help either. They list almost two dozen definitions — including affection, fondness, caring, liking, concern, attraction, desire and infatuation. We all instinctively agree there is a huge difference between liking and complete infatuation. What we need is a new lexicon, something to help us negotiate and understand all the different types of love.

Psychologist Dorothy Tennov has already taken the first step towards this goal. She interviewed 500 people from different backgrounds and age groups, both gay and straight, about falling in love, and found a startling similarity in how each respondent described their feelings.

The basic components were: intrusive thinking (you can’t stop daydreaming about them); an aching in the heart; an acute sensitivity to any act or thought which can be interpreted favourably; fear of rejection and unsettling shyness in their presence; intensification through adversity (at least up to a point) and a disregard for all other concerns.

Tennov also discovered ‘a remarkable ability to emphasize what is truly admirable and avoid dwelling on the negative’. Love is, in other words, blind, deaf and completely oblivious to foolishness.

To distinguish between these overwhelming emotions and the more stable, domestic feelings experienced by long-term couples who are only too aware of their partner’s failings, Tennov coined a new term: limerence.

The obsessive, intrusive nature of limerence would be immediately recognizable to Martin: ‘I met her at a salsa class, the attraction was instant and we ended up exchanging telephone numbers, even though I knew she was married.

‘It was impossible to get down to work until we’d had our morning talk. I’d ache if she didn’t call.’ Twelve months later, when the affair had ended, Martin realized that they had little in common. He put the attraction down to ‘lust’, yet the affair had been mostly non-intimate.

Tennov confirms: ‘Sexual attraction is not enough. Selection standards for limerence are, according to my informants, not identical to those according to which mere sexual partners are evaluated, and intimacy is seldom the main focus for limerence. However, the potential for mating is felt to be there, or the state described is not limerence.’

When someone is under the spell of limerence, not even being rejected dampens down the madness. If limerence is returned, the feelings intensify and the couple end up ignoring their friends. Sadly, these intense feelings never last.

Tennov puts the duration somewhere between six months and two years. This is a very similar figure to that proposed by social biologist Cindy Hayman of Cornell University, who tracked the brain chemicals of 5,000 subjects in 37 different cultures, and found this phase lasted between 18 months and three years.

It is important to have a new word for these intense feelings, for two reasons. First, it recognizes the normality of borderline crazy behaviour in the first stages of love, which could easily be stigmatized as stalking, or pathologized as too much in self-help books such as Women Who Love Too Much, by Robin Norwood. Secondly, when limerence wears off, some people fear they are falling out of love.

In reality, love has just moved on to a new phase, and many people use limerence as a springboard for a long-term relationship. Arguably, we need this temporary madness, to convince us to set up home and intertwine our destinies with relative strangers.

While scientists have not researched precisely what it is that makes us choose one person over another, they have looked at what makes a good long-term partnership. At this stage we pick people who are like us, or who complement us in some hidden way.

Often, we search for other people with whom we can act out the issues we were unable to resolve as children. Our partners have to speak the same language, or there is simply no connection. I call this kind of deep, intertwined love ‘loving attachment’. Unlike limerence it is based on rational ‘eyes open’ choices about compatibility. Unlike limerence, loving attachment dies if it is not reciprocated, especially physically. Unlike limerence, loving attachment can last forever.

To truly understand loving attachment, it is necessary to clarify the difference between the love for our partner and that for our children and our parents. Popular romance feeds us the idea of unconditional love, and during the limerence something approaching this is often achieved. However, once a couple has moved on to loving attachment, unconditional love becomes a distant memory.

Most couples end up in my office because one half feels that their love is not returned, and because of that, over time, they have detached themselves from the relationship. In contrast, the love for our children or parents is seldom conditional. I call this bond loving affection, because affection exists largely independently of how the recipient responds.

The confusion between loving attachment and loving affection can cause just as much misery as the confusion over limerence. Love is a source of tremendous joy and comfort. However, it will also be the source of untold pain, until we begin to differentiate between the three strands contained in just one four-letter word. Maybe this new lexicon can help us understand each other better. — 

 

Learning to let go !!!!!!

Learning to let go

 

Life is filled with stress. Any disappointment or family dispute may generate stress or a mild degree of anxiety that results in muscle tension, body aches, insomnia and poor concentration. Routinely everyone has to endure worries and stress.

Changes in one’s life are mostly not threatening and they don’t affect the quality of life. Once stress starts it persists as the person is unable to get rid of it completely. Things can easily go wrong when people are under stress. Thus learning to relax will help them to deal with stress more confidently.

Mild degrees of stress may emerge in various situations of our daily life that may include a job interview, performing on stage or a critical test. These are only a few examples of the challenging situations when most people feel a little anxious which is considered normal if it does not result in any harm.

Stress generally responds well to both pharmacological and non-pharmacological treatment. The majority of people who receive treatment experience significant relief from their symptoms. But many people with stress disorders do not seek treatment because they do not recognize their symptoms as a sign of illness or they fear the reactions of co-workers, family members, or friends. Only a few people who are upset by stress learn to manage it through self-help while the majority of sufferers remain upset with the painful emotions.

People under stress are advised to relax. Most of them ask how they should relax. Relaxation is a state of doing absolutely nothing and being at ease and peace. Relaxation exercises are very simple and do not need expensive equipment or a special place. They may take time so people should not feel disheartened if they do not notice favourable changes.

When a person is relaxing, physical, mental and emotional changes take place. Physically body muscles let go of tension, breathing becomes more regular, blood pressure drops, and the heart beats more slowly. Other organs slow down their activity so a person feels at ease.

Mental relaxation results in the return of the ability to concentrate, decision making becomes easier and thinking becomes clearer. Emotionally one feels quieter, calmer and more confident, and able to take life as it comes without overreacting. After relaxation many people find that they can get things back into perspective and the difficulties which they had perceived as huge appear much smaller.

Simple relaxation

There is one rule in relaxation and that is to find the appropriate time and place. Find only a few minutes, preferably two or three times a day, when you can sit down in a comfortable chair where no one will disturb you. Settle your body into the chair, rest your head on the back of the chair, and put your arms and hands where they are comfortable. Place your feet, a little apart, on the floor.

Now tell your muscles to relax. Either start from the head and go downwards to the toes or upwards from the toes to the head. Concentrate on those areas of the body where you feel tension. Say loudly: “Relax, I am in control.” It is important to spend no longer than a few minutes to do this exercise, and when it is complete sit quietly for few moments and enjoy being still and at ease. Then you can get up and carry on with your routine work.

It is best if you choose particular times for this exercise. Do not worry if you do not achieve much at first, relaxation has to be learned slowly, only a small step at a time. Be gentle to yourself and never put extra burden on yourself that might result in stress. After this try to relax for a few minutes daily at various times, for instance, while having tea in the evening, or as you sit in the car, or are at the library or before going to bed.

Breathing exercise

Breathing is something that you tend to take very much for granted. From time to time concentrate on your breathing. Just feel it as air enters and leaves your body. Notice the gentle rhythm that comes easily and effortlessly with the action. Now try to slow your breath by taking three or four slow breaths in and out through your nose (or take the breath in from your nose and out from your mouth). Try to breathe in for the same amount of time as you breathe out. As you breathe out let go of the tension, particularly in your jaw, neck, shoulders and abdomen. This is calming and can be combined with walking.

Another exercise that you can do is to breathe in and out and then hold your breath for as long as you can. Notice the space between that breath and the next. Let no strain enter the body, just breathe in again when you feel the need. This will help you control and slow down your breathing for a couple of minutes, and this will also keep all your worries away from you.

Now close your eyes and spend a minute or two noticing your breath entering your body and then leaving it. As you breathe out tell yourself to let go. Do this a number of times, saying to yourself: “Relax, let go”, each time you breathe out. In the same way that you notice your breathing, also begin to notice your feelings and thoughts, but try not to become involved with them.

If you find your attention wandering to some other thing then firmly bring your concentration back to the exercise. Check that your body has not tightened up because of these intrusive thoughts. Never try to judge how well you are relaxing, just enjoy it. No effort is required from your side. If you let go, all your stresses, worries, anxieties and tension will leave your body and mind.

The beauty of the breathing exercise is that you can perform it anywhere, at any time and in any posture. Slowly and gradually as you get better in breathing exercises you will be able to extend them and start using your abdominal muscles to help you control your breathing. Practice this exercise when you feel relaxed and stress free, so that when you feel stressed, with the help of this exercise you will be able to restore peace and calmness almost automatically with minimal effort in only a few moments.

Deep muscle therapy

If you want to learn to relax more deeply then you will need some more time. You should try to practice these exercises twice or thrice a week, but even practising just once a week will also be beneficial. Ideally, you should spend at least 15 minutes with the aim to reach a point when your body feels as though it is hardly a part of you and your mind feels relaxed.

First make sure you are comfortable and that you are not going to be disturbed. The place chosen should be peaceful. Lie down or sit in a relaxing way. If you find background music helpful, play music at a low volume. Relax the muscles in each part of your body working from the head to your toes, or from your toes to your head, paying particular attention to the tense areas.

If you have been practising the simple relaxation exercise you will be able to do this quite naturally. If you feel any muscle to be extra tense then gently stretch them and let them move back into a comfortable position. This will help you to relax even more deeply. With continued practice you will be able to bring on a state of deep muscle relaxation at will.

It should be kept in mind that relaxation is an exercise that needs to be practiced regularly. No one is able to become an expert in relaxation overnight. If you can learn to use only the muscles and energy that is necessary to sit, or to walk, or in any other activity, the rest of your body can relax so that you can preserve more energy.

Breaking the circle

Now be relaxed and think carefully. Do you still find yourself sometimes going round in circles despite all your efforts to calm down and stay cheerful? If you feel everything requires much more effort to cope with. Maybe you are worrying about something or someone that uses up a lot of your energy that results in tiredness, disturbed sleep and decreased appetite.

If you can recognize that this is happening to you then you have made the first important step towards preventing this circle. Now all you need to do is to break the circle and replace it with a good relaxing one. Try the following:

1) First relax your body musculature, start from your shoulders and jaw.

2) Next take a few slow, even, quiet but deep breaths.

3) Feel that you are taking control of the situation, speak loudly, “I am going to control this situation easily and as quickly as possible.”

4) At this moment start feeling yourself become calm, this will result in your increased ability to cope with matters that make you tense.

5) After regaining confidence, you will find that you can do everything to make you more relaxed.

Imagination

For more deep relaxation you can use your powers of imagination that are a wonderful tool to help you to create feelings of well being. You are probably already pretty good at imagining the worst that can happen, now use the same ability positively to imagine the best possible scenario.

Start by imagining yourself in the most beautiful place where you feel completely calm and totally at ease, this may be your favourite spot, park, garden, zoo, restaurant or somewhere you have visited on your honeymoon or on your holiday.

Try to make the scene as complete as possible, so pay full attention to all the details of colours, shapes, sounds, smells and tastes. Maybe you are sitting near by some water, imagine dipping your hand in it and feeling how cool, hot or fresh it is. Maybe you are on a beach, and you can hear the waves and feel them gently lapping over your feet, and feel the sand between your toes. Maybe you are in a garden, and the smell and sight of flowers is overwhelming.

Work on imagination several times so that it becomes clearer and you become more familiar. Add more details as you get better at using your imagination. Learn to link the images with feelings of calm, comfort, happiness, strength, security, harmony and well being.

Gradually without any effort on your part, your body and mind will relax, and you will feel peace in yourself and with the surrounding environment. With practice the images will come more easily and quickly so that eventually you will be able to transport yourself to this wonderful place instantly and feel yourself relaxing immediately. You will then be able to recreate the feelings that you have in this special place at other times during your daily routine. When you find yourself becoming unnecessarily tense, worried, angry or frustrated you will be able to bring your special place to your thinking and the unhappy feelings will fade away. It really does work. So it is time to start your journey, and let go.